Dec 23, 2001 from Fred W
A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining", he said to his wife. "No, that felt more like snow to me", she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain" he said.Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a Communist Party official walking toward them.
"Let's not fight about it", the man said, "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing". As the official approached, the man said,"Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?" "It's raining, of course", he replied, and walked on.
But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!", to which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red, knows rain, dear".
Dec 3, 2001 from Fred W
A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms or legs.The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.
After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.
Swoooop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent, then bursts into a whoop of joy.
The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink!" The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.
Swoooop! Two arms pop out. The bar goes wild.
The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink!" The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God.
The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left ... then to the right ... through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief.
The bartender sighs and says: "That boy should have quit while he was a head."
Nov 18, 2001 from Fred W
Blond Joke A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more. "I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "we don't have any." "But I always get it here," says the blonde; "Do you have the container it comes in?" "YES!", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it." She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant." Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container, "TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."
Oct 31, 2001 from Julie
Sep 25, 2001 from Yezen
...found in the Obituary section:It is with the saddest heart that I pass on the following news. Please join me in remembering a great icon - the veteran Pillsbury Spokesman. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies and Captain Crunch. The gravesite was piled high with flours.
Long time friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man, and was considered a roll model for millions. Toward the end it was thought he would rise again, but alas, he was no tart.
Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about twenty minutes.
Sep 5, 2001 from Yezen
WHAT IS POLITICS?SON: Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?
FATHER: Sure son, what's the question?
SON: What is politics?
FATHER: Well, let's take out home for example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me management. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we'll call her government. We take care of your needs, so let's call you the people. We'll call the maid the working class, and your baby brother we will call the future. Do you understand?
SON: I'm not really sure, dad. I'll have to think about it.That night, awakened by his baby brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He then went to the maid's room where, peeking through the key hole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheard by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to bed.
The next morning:
SON: Dad, now I think I understand politics.
FATHER: That's great son. Explain it to me in your own words.
SON: Well, dad, while management is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, the people are being completely ignored, and the future is full of shit.
Aug 27, 2001 from Julie
It is well documented that for every minute that you exercise, you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
You could run this over to your friends but why not just e-mail it to them!
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