Some Email Jokes Jef got in 2002
Nov 18, 2002 from Fred WWill I live to age of 80?I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer?"
"Oh no", I replied, "I've never done either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and bar-b-qued ribs?
I said, "No, I've heard that all "red meat" is very unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf?" he asked.
"No I don't," I said.
He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or fool around with sexy women?",
"No," I said, "I've never done any of those things."
He look at me and said, "Then why in hell do you want to live to be 80?"
Aug 29, 2002 from ShimonThe Saudi Ambassador to the UN has just finished giving a speech, and walks out into the lobby where he meets President Bush. They shake hands and as they walk the Saudi says, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America."President Bush says "Well your Excellency, anything I can do to help you, I will do."
The Saudi whispers "My son watches this show 'StarTrek' and in it there are Russians, and Blacks, and Asians, but never any Arabs. He is very upset. He doesn't understand why there are never any Arabs in Star Trek."
President Bush laughs and leans toward the Saudi, and whispers back, "It's because it takes place in the future...."
2002 from Fred WA husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up, but then the wife stops and says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." The husband says "WHAT??" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.The next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits and then tells his wife, "We'll take all three of them".
Next they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. Finally they go to the Jewelry Department and get diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out)
She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says "but you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then let's get it."
The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register."
The husband says," No, honey we're not going to BUY all this stuff." The wife's face goes blank. "No honey, I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."
Her face gets red and she is about to explode and then the Husband says "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man".
2002 from Fred WEddie visits his church to confess. He sits down in the confessional and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned. I have used foul language, and took the Lord's name in vain." The priest says, "It's OK son. Tell me what happened." Eddie says, "Well father, I was golfing with my buddy. We're very competitive. It was the 18th hole and we were tied. His tee shot went straight down the fairway and my tee shot went into the rough."The priest says, "Oh I see, you were angry with your shot and cursed." "No father, I didn't curse at that time. My buddy's next shot reached the green, my next shot went into the sand." The father chuckles and says, "Well, one can see why you were angry then. Is this when you took the Lord's name in vain?" "Not then father. My shot from the sand landed 2 inches from the cup. So close!"
The priest says, "Oh my. I see why you were so angry. So that's when you started cursing?" "No, father, not then." There was a moment of silence, then the priest says, "You mean you missed that god dammed motherfucker?"
Aug 5, 2002 from Fred WWHAT GENDER ARE THEY?ZIPLOC BAGS - male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.
SWISS ARMY KNIFE - male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.
KIDNEYS - female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.
SHOE - male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.
COPIER - female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up.
TIRE - male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOON - male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it... and, of course, there's the hot air part.
SPONGES - female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGE - female, because it is always getting hit on.
SUBWAY - male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
HOURGLASS - female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMER - male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's useful to have around.
REMOTE CONTROL - female... Ha! You'd think it'd be male. But consider, it gives men pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
July 2, 2002 from ShimonAn Arkansas woman is in the welfare office filling out forms. The welfare officer asks her how many children she has."Ten boys," she says proudly.
"And their names?"
"Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, and Leroy."
The case worker is incredulous. "They're ALL named Leroy? Why would you name them all Leroy?"
"That way, when I want them all to come in from the yard, I just yell 'LEROY!', and when I want them all to come to dinner, I just yell 'LEROY!'"
He considers that for a moment, then asks, "What if you just want a particular one of them to do something?"
"Then I call him by his last name."
Jun 28, 2002 from Fred WThe CIA had an opening for an assassin.After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists... Two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!" The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."
Moral: Women are evil. Don't mess with them.
May 5, 2002 from Fred WHOW WELL DOES COLD WATER CLEAN?A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a secluded, rural area of the state. After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon. He noticed a film-like substance on his plate and he questioned his grandfather....are these plates clean?
His grandfather replied.... those plates are as clean as cold water can get them so go on and finish your meal.
That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of this plate, and a substance that looked like dried egg yolks...so he asked again......are you sure these plates are clean?
Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says.....I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them, now don't ask me about it anymore!
Later that afternoon, he was on his way out to get dinner in a nearby town. As he was leaving, Grandfather's dog started to growl and would not let him pass.... Grandfather, your dog won't let me out.
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching, Grandfather shouted, "COLDWATER, GET OUT OF THE WAY!"
Feb. 20, 2003 from Fred WMY FORGETTERMy forgetter's getting better
But my rememberer is broke
To you that may seem funny
But, to me, that is no joke.For when I'm "here" I'm wondering
If I really should be "there".
And, when I try to think it through,
I haven't got a prayer!Oft times I walk into a room,
Say, "What am I here for?"
I wrack my brain, but all in vain
A zero, is my score.At times I put something away
Where it is safe, but, Gee!
The person it is safest from
Is, generally, me!At tennis I may see someone,
Say "Hi" and have a chat,
Then, when the person walks away
I ask myself "Who the heck was that?"On the court is the worst,
When the score we all discuss,
Four different ideas have we,
Gosh, it makes me want to cuss!Yes, my forgetter's getting better
While my rememberer is broke,
And it's driving me plumb crazy
And that isn't any joke.
Feb. 20, 2003 from Fred WThis guy comes home dead tired from working a twelve-hour day and collapses in bed.He's just about asleep when his wife rolls over and says, "What would you do if I told you that you had a beautiful, sexy, woman lying next to you?"
He replied. "Don't worry honey I'd stay faithful!"
Feb. 19, 2003 from Fred WADVANTAGES of being our age...
- Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
- Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
- Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
- People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
- People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
- There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
- Things you buy now won't wear out.
- You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
- You can live without sex but not without glasses.
- You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
- You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
- You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
- You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
- You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
- You sing along with elevator music.
- Your eyes won't get much worse.
- Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
- You can't remember who sent you this list.
Feb. 19, 2003 from Fred WCriminal Lawyers Award Contest WinnerA Charlotte, NC lawyer purchased a box of two dozen very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things.
Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, and without yet having made even his first premium payment on policy, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued....and won!
In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous, but stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be "unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim.
Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."
NOW FOR THE BEST PART: After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON. With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and he was sentenced to 24 months in jail and ordered to pay a $24,000 fine.
Feb. 11, 2003 from Fred WOnce upon a time there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her.Then one day she met a guy and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on."
So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home.
On her way she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home she putt-putted. And upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it.
Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned.
He then went to answer the phone.
The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go.
It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage.
Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the phone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself.
She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!!
There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a "Happy Birthday"!!!
Feb. 4, 2002 from Fred WIrish TalesInto a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but kinda useless in a fight."
An IRISH girl went to London to work as a secretary and began sending home money and gifts to her parents. After a few years they asked her to come home for a visit, as her father was getting frail and elderly. She pulled up to the family home in a Rolls Royce and stepped out wearing fur and diamonds.
As she walked into the house her father said 'Hmmm - they seem to be paying secretaries awfully well in London.' The girl took his hands and said 'Dad - I've been meaning to tell you something for years but I didn't want to put it in a letter. I can't hide it from you any longer.
'I've become a prostitute.'
Her father gasped, put his hand on his heart and keeled over. The doctor was called but the old man had clearly lost the will to live. He was put to bed and the priest was called. As the priest began to administer Extreme Unction; with the mother and daughter weeping and wailing, the old man muttered weakly "I'm a goner - killed by my own daughter! Killed by the shame of what you've become!"
"Please forgive me, his daughter sobbed, "I only wanted to have nice things! I wanted to be able to send you money and the only way I could do it was by becoming a prostitute."
Brushing the priest aside, the old man sat bolt upright in bed, smiling. "Did you say prostitute?
That was a close one - I thought you said Protestant!"
Jan 31, 2003 from Fred WMorris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that airplane."Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that airplane ride costs 50 dollars, and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."
One year Morris and Esther went to the fair and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that airplane I might never get another chance."
Esther replied, "Morris, that airplane ride costs 50 dollars, and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you; but if you say one word it's 50 dollars."
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly,I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."
Morris replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Esther fell out, but 50 dollars is 50 dollars."
Jan 31, 2002 from Fred WMore DaffynitionsBEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS: The only creatures you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.
Jokes Jef got in... 2009 2008 2007 2006 2005 2004 2003 2002 2001 2000 1999 1998 1997
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