Email Jokes 2004

Some Email Jokes Jef got in 2004

Dec 11, 2004 from Harold
PROOF OF HELL
The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Cathy during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Cathy kept shouting "Oh my God."
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A".

Sep 23, 2004 from Liz
Parity Error!
Count the people in this picture in both instances (it changes back and forth about every 10 seconds):

Sep 23, 2004 from Liz
Coincidences
A man went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a female patron. He turned to her and said, "This is a special day, I'm celebrating."
"What a coincidence," said the woman, "I'm celebrating too". She clinked glasses with him and said, "What are you celebrating?"
"I'm a chicken farmer," he replied. "For months all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."
"What a coincidence," the woman said. "My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant.
How did your chickens become fertile?" she asked.
"I switched cocks." he replied.
"What a coincidence!!", she said.

Sep 23, 2004 from Liz
Lawyers!
The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.
"May I help you?" she asked.
"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.
"No. I must see Valerie," was the man's reply.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred dollar bills, gave them to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the same man! appeared again, demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained tha t none had ever come back two nights in a row--too expensive--and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000.
Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.
The man replied, "South Carolina."
"Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."
"I know," the man said. "Your father died and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
Death
Taxes
Being screwed by a lawyer.

Sep 23, 2004 from Liz
Could be worse
A mother passing by her daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Mom." With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:
Dear Mom,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I've been finding real passion with John and he is so nice - even with all his piercings, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion mom, I'm pregnant and John said that we will be very happy. He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too.
John taught me that marijuana d oesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing, it for us and trading it with his friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so John can get better; he sure deserves it!! Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself.
Some day I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your daughter,
Judith
PS : Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.

Sep 22, 2004 from Terry
Lovers Lane
A cop was patrolling late one night in a well-known spot called, "Lovers' Lane." He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.
The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.
The young man lowers his window. "Uh, yes, officer?"
"What are you doing?"
"Well, isn't it obvious? I'm reading a magazine, sir."
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat, the cop says: "And her, what is she doing?"
The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater."
Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple. alone, in a car, at night... in a lovers' lane, and nothing obscene is happening!
"What's your age, young man?"
"I'm 25, sir..."
"And her ... what's her age?"
The young man looks at his watch and replies: "She'll be 18 in 20 minutes."

Sep 18, 2004 from Liz
Little Tony
LITTLE TONY ON MATH
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little TONY.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then little TONY says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the Triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little TONY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on', but I like your thinking."
MORE LITTLE TONY ON MATH
Little TONY returns from school and says he got an "F" in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks his father Big Tony?
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3', I said '6'", replies Little TONY.
"But that's right!" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the fucking difference?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!"
LITTLE TONY ON ENGLISH
Little TONY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"
Little TONY says "Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little TONY, that's a mouthful."
Little TONY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."
LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR
Little TONY was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"
The teacher replied! , "Now, TONY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate'. Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."
Little TONY, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!"
LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Maria, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Maria," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."
She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on Little TONY.
"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'That's Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!'"
LITTLE TONY ON GETTING OLDER
Little TONY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."
Little TONY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
Little TONY answered, "No, he minded his own fucking business.

Sep 3, 2004 from Terry
Unions
Unions are killing this country, here is a prime example.
I don't know about other areas of the country but a growing trend here is for people to be a little on the lazy side.
It is not that uncommon for as many as 14 to 18 union people to just stand around and watch while only one person is doing the work.
As you can see in the photo below, the situation is out of hand, I hope it's not happening in your area as much

Sep 3, 2004 from Terry
BREWSTER THE ROOSTER
Whitey was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers called pullets and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs.
Whitey kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of Whitey's time so Whitey got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so Whitey could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.
Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
Whitey's favorite rooster was old Brewster, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning Whitey noticed old Brewster's bell hadn't rung at all! Whitey went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
BUT, to Whitey's amazement, Brewster had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
Whitey was so proud of Brewster, he entered him in the county fair... and Brewster became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result...
The judges not only awarded Brewster the "No Bell Piece Prize" but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
Clearly Brewster was a politician. Who else could figure out how to win two of the most politically biased awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populous and screwing them.

Sep 2, 2004 from Liz S
Inheritance
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.
So one evening, he goes to a singles bar, where he spots the most beautiful woman he's ever seen, her natural beauty takes his breath away. "I may look just like an ordinary man," he says, as he walks up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
The woman went home with Charles that evening, and the next day, she became his stepmother. When will men ever learn?

Sep 2, 2004 from Liz S
King Arthur and the Witch
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.
The question?....What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.
But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.
The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewerage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.
He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden, but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.
He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:
What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.
And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.
The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen, lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.
Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?
Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous, intimate moments?
What would YOU do? What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?
Noble Lancelot, knowing the answer the witch gave Arthur to his question, said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
Now....what is the moral to this story?
The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way....Things are going to get ugly.

Sep 1, 2004 from Liz S
At the Doctor's office
A man walks into his doctor's office and sits down in the waiting room. While he is waiting his turn to be seen, a casual acquaintance walks in and sits down next to him.
The newcomer asks "W w what are yyy you ddd doing here?"
The man replies, " I am waiting to see the doctor."
"W wwhy dd do yyy you wwant to sss see hhim?"
The man replies, "Well, if you must know, I have a prostate problem.
"A pp prostate ppp problem, wwhat's ttthat?"
"Well, if you must know. I pee like you talk."

Aug 30, 2004 from Liz S
Priests
Three priests were in a railroad station on their way home to Pittsburgh.
Behind the ticket counter was a very sexy, shapely, well endowed woman wearing a very tight, skimpy sweater.
She made the three priests very nervous, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.
The first priest approached the window.
"Young lady, I would like three pickets to titsburg."
He completely lost his composure and fled.
The second priest goes to the window.
"Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nipples and dimes."
Mortified, he too fled.
The third priest moves to the window.
"Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And, if you insist on dressing like that, when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger's going to shake his Peter at you." THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Indubitably
Preliminary
Proliferation

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK
Specificity
Antidisestablishmentarianism
Loquacious
Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
* Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
Nope, no more booze for me
Sorry, but you're not really my type
Oh, no, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing

Aug 30, 2004 from Liz S
TIGHT SKIRTS
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled,
"How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.

May 14, 2004 from Liz S
True bravery
True bravery is arriving home late after a boy's night out, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and still having the guts to ask:
Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?

May 11, 2004 from Liz S
Potentially and Realistically
A young boy went up to his father and asked him,"Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars.
Come back and tell me what you figured out."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?"
The mother replied, "Yes, I believe I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great college!"
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt! I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?"
The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars?"
"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million could buy?"
The boy pondered that for a few days, then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the differenc e between potentially and realistically?"
The boy replied, "Yes sir. Potentially, we're sitting on three million dollars, but realistically, we're living with two sluts and a queer."

May 3, 2004 from Harriet
Why did the chicken cross the road?
GEORGE W BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either against us or for us. There is no middle ground here.
COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
HANS BLIX: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road I am now against it!
RALPH NADER: The chicken's habitat on the other side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrial greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hard-working American.
RUSH LIMBAUGH: I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet that somebody out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars. And when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build a road for chickens to cross.
MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay --- isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what they call it the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we Boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side."
DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain. Alone.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in peace.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
KARL MARX: It was an historic inevitability.
RONALD REAGAN: What chicken?
CAPTAIN KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before.
SIGMUND FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES: I have just witnessed eChicken2003, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook and internet explorer is an integral part of eChicken.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?
AL GORE: I invented the chicken!
THE BIBLE: And God came down from heaven, and he said unto the chicken THOU SHALT CROSS THE ROAD. And the chicken didst cross the road, and there was much rejoicing.
COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

May 3, 2004 from Liz S
Wise Kids explain things for Mother's Day
Why did God make mothers?
She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
Mostly to clean the house.
To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
What ingredients are mothers made of?
God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string I think.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
We're related.
God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.
What kind of little girl was your mom?
My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
They say she used to be nice.
What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
His last name.
She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer? Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores.
Why did your mom marry your dad?
My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot.
She got too old to do anything else with him.
My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
Who's the boss at your house?
Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goofball
Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
What's the difference between moms and dads?
Moms work at work and work at home, and dads just go to work at work.
Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
What does your mom do in her spare time?
Mothers don't do spare time.
To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your mom perfect?
On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.

May 3, 2004 from Terry M
Employee Evaluations
For everyone who has ever had an evaluation - just remember, it could have been worse. These are actual quotes taken from Federal Government employee performance evaluations.
"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."
"I would not allow this employee to breed."
"This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."
"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
"When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
"This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."
"Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."
"A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
"He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
"I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
"He's been working with glue too much."
"He would argue with a signpost."
"He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
"When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
"If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."
"A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
"A prime candidate for natural de-selection."
"Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
"Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
"He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
"If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
"If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
"If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
"It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
"One neuron short of a synapse."
"Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
"Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-minutes'."
"The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead"
"Got into the gene pool when the Lifeguard wasn't looking"

May 3, 2004 from Liz S
Quiz For People Who Know Everything
There's one "sport" in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends. What is it?
What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?
Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?
Name the only sport in which the ball is always in possession of the team on defense, and the offensive team can score without touching the ball?
What fruit has its seeds on the outside?
In many liquor stores, you can buy! pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?
Only three words in standard English begin with the letters "dw." They are all common. Name two of them.
There are fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name half of them?
Where are the lakes that are referred to in the "Los Angeles Lakers?"
There are seven ways a baseball player can legally reach first base without getting a hit. Taking a base on balls-a walk-is one way. Name the other six.
It's the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh. What is it?
Name six or more things that you can wear on your feet that begin with the letter "S"

Scroll down for the answers. Don't cheat!

"Answers To Quiz"
Boxing.
Niagara Falls. The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.
Asparagus and rhubarb.
Baseball.
Strawberry.
The pear grew inside the bottle. The bottles are placed over pear ! buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the whole growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.
Dwarf, dwell, and dwindle.
Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation marks, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.
In Minnesota. The team was originally known as the Minneapolis Lakers and kept the name when they moved west.
Batter hit by a pitch; passed ball; catcher interference; catcher drops third strike; fielder's choice; and being designated as a pinch runner.
Lettuce.
Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, snowshoes, stockings.

Apr 27, 2004 from Liz S
Food for Thought
I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
I had amnesia once -- or twice.
I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.
Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.
Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
A beggar asked me for 50� for a sandwich. I said, "First let me see the sandwich."
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
They told me I was gullible... and I believed them.
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.
Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?
My weight is perfect for my height - which varies.
I used to be indecisive. Now, I'm not sure. .
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
How can there be self-help "groups"?
Is there another word for synonym?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
The speed of time is one-second per second.
Is it possible to be totally partial?
What's another word for thesaurus?
Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

Apr 26, 2004 from Terry M
Actually Taken From Classified Ads In Newspapers:
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites
FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog
FREE PUPPIES... Part German Shepherd, part stupid dog
GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free
FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat ... been out awhile...better be a reward.
COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED... Also 1 gay bull for sale
NORDIC TRACK $300 Hardly used, call Chubb
GEORGIA PEACHES, California grown - 89 cents lb.
NICE PARACHUTE: Never opened - used once
JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300
FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last month. Wife knows everything

Apr 26, 2004 from Liz S
Tracking Cows
Is it just me or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington. Also, they track her calves to their stalls.
But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. I think the solution is to give every illegal alien a cow.

Apr 26, 2004 from Liz S
S.A.T.
The following questions and answers were collated from the SAT tests given to 16 years-old students!
Don't laugh too hard--one of them could become president one day.
Q: Name the four seasons
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
Q: What causes the tides in the ocean?
A: The tides are a fight between the E! arth and the Moon. All water tends to flow toward the moon because there is no water on the moon and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good- bye to his boyhood and looks forward to adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted int! o three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U.
Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraption by wearing a condominium.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
A: The caesarian section is a district in Rome.
Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman Emperor..
Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport.
Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Q: What is a turbine?
A: Some! thing an Arab wears on his head.
And to think one day our social security payments will depend on these kids!!

Apr 24, 2004 from Terry M
Textile Jobs
People wonder why the jobs in this country have disappeared. For example....what's happened to all the textile mills??? Well, this might have something to do with it.......

Apr 23, 2004 from Terry M
Noah's Ark in Today's Society
The Lord speaks to Noah and says: "In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole Earth with water until all is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the Earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark."
In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark.
Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark. "Remember," said the Lord, "you must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year."
Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud formed and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult The Lord saw Noah sitting in his front yard weeping. "Noah." He shouted, "Where is the Ark?"
"Lord, please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best but there were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not comply with the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans. Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and floatation devices.
Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.
I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the >U.S. Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls. So,no owls.
The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Union. Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls.
When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard.
Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe.
Then the Army Corps of Engineer demanded a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.
Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard!
The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes.
I just got a notice from the State that I owe some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a 'recreational water craft'
Finally the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event and therefore unconstitutional.
I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years!" Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky.
Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you are not going to destroy the Earth, Lord?"
"No," said the Lord sadly. "The government already has!"

Apr 23, 2004 from Liz S
Old--and still funny!
Remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics? These great questions and answers are from the days when "Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous and clever and Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions.
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the! pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and Laugh

Apr 22, 2004 from Liz S
Mars / Venus ATM
"Please note that this Bank is installing new "Drive-through" teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the below outlined procedures when accessing their accounts. MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed after months of careful research. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.
MALE PROCEDURE
Drive up to the cash machine.
Put down your car window.
Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
Put window up.
Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE
Drive up to cash machine.
Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
Set parking brake, put the window down.
Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
Turn the radio down.
Attempt to insert card into machine.
Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
Insert card.
Reinsert card the right way up.
Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
Enter PIN.
Press cancel and reenter correct PIN.
Enter amount of cash required.
Check make up in rear view mirror.
Retrieve cash and receipt.
Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
Place receipt in back of checkbook.
Recheck make-up again.
Drive forward 2 feet.
Reverse back to cash machine.
Retrieve card.
Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male driver queuing behind.
Restart stalled engine and pull off.
Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
Release Parking Brake.

Apr 22, 2004 from Liz S
Test your IQ with this question
There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.
Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?
Think about it first before scrolling down for the answer...

He just has to open his mouth and ask, so simple. If you got this wrong please - do not pass go, do not breed, just go dig a hole and hide.

Apr 16, 2004 from Rickards
Try Florida's Touch Screen Voting System
Voting System

Apr 15, 2004 from Liz S
Hang On!
A man walks into the dentist's office and after the dentist examines him, he says, "that tooth has to come out".
I'm going to give you a shot of Novocain and I'll be back in a few minutes." The man grabs the doc's arm, "no way. I hate needles I'm not having any shot!" So the dentist says, "okay, we'll have to go with the gas." The man replies, "absolutely not. It makes me very sick for a couple of days. I'm not having gas." So the dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water, "here," he says. "Take this pill." The man asks, "What is it?" The doc replies, "Viagra."
The man looks surprised, "will that kill the pain?" he asks. "No," replies to the dentist, "but it will give you something to hang on to while I pull your tooth!"

Apr 9, 2004 from Liz S
REVENGE OF THE CRITTERS

Apr 8, 2004 from Fred W
Why Dogs Are Better Than Women!

Dogs don't cry (unless they have to pee).
Dogs love it when your friends come over.
Dogs think you sing great.
A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.
Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.
Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.
Anyone can get a good-looking dog.
Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.
A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.
A dog's parents never visit.
Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.
Dogs like beer.
No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood.
Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
Dogs never expect gifts.
Dogs don't worry about germs.
Dogs would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner than a lobster one.
You never have to wait for a dog, they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry.
Dogs don't borrow your shirts.
Dogs never want foot-rubs.
Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.
Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

Apr 8, 2004 from Liz
Professional Quiz
The following short quiz consists of 4 questions, and it will tell you whether you are qualified to be a professional. I got all four wrong. But the real trick is to stop laughing. Scroll down for each answer. The questions are NOT that difficult.
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

Correct answer: Open the refrigerator; put in the giraffe and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

Did you say, "Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?" (Wrong Answer) Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?

Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory. OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross but it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it?

Correct Answer: You swim across. All the crocodiles are attending the animal conference. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Price Waterhouse, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong. But many preschoolers got several correct answers. Price Waterhouse further says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four year old.

Apr 7, 2004 from Liz
Home Remedies that Really Work!
If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! the blockage will be almost instantly removed.
Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for awhile, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.
If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
Have a bad tooth ache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will forget about the tooth ache..
AND..... Sometimes we just need to remember what The Rules of Life really are:
You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape.

Apr 6, 2004 from Liz
Florida
A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: 8 Jan 2004
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!

Apr 4, 2004 (4-4-4) from Liz
Family Honor
A young girl was going on a date. Her grandmother said: "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys.
He is going to try and kiss you, you are going to like that, but don't let him do that.
He is going to try and feel your breast, you are going to like that but don't let him do that.
But most important, he is going to try and get on top of you to have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family."
With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date.
The next day she told grandma that her date went just like she had predicted:
"Grandma, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I just turned over, got on top of him, and disgraced HIS family..."
Granny fainted

Apr 1, 2004 from Rox
Art Explained
A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery was staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three very black, totally naked men sitting on a bench.
Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominantly, white patriarchal society.
"In fact," he pointed out, "some serious art critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."
After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"
"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple.
"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there are no African-Americans depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal-miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."

Mar 31, 2004 from Liz
HMO Policy
Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results. The lab tech says to him: "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, it is either bad or terrible!"
"What do you mean?"
"Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other Mrs. Smith has tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your wife."
"That's terrible. Can we do the test over?"
"Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
The HMO recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she remembers the way home, don't sleep with her."

Mar 30, 2004 from Liz
The Confession
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Timmy Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And, who was the woman you were with?"
"I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Timmy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now."
"Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Sheilah O'Brien?"
"I'm sorry, but I can't name her."
"Was it Kathleen Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona Grogan, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Timmy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church mass for three months. Be off with you now."
Timmy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Three month's vacation and five good leads."

Mar 28, 2004 from Rox
Not long for this world
Paul returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Alma that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.
Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.
Six hours later, Paul went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Alma agrees and again they make love.
Later, Paul is getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Alma's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? "Just one more time before I die."
She agreed, than afterward she rolled over and fell asleep. Paul, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours.
He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?"
His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Paul, I have to get up in the morning! You don't."

Mar 24, 2004 from Liz
RED HEAD
A young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"That's strange," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, then pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor then asks, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"
"No," she says, "I'm actually a blonde.."
"I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."

Mar 24, 2004 from Liz
BLONDE JOKES
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Yesterday you take away my license, and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor".
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
Three women go down to Mexico one night, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, even though not one can remember what they did the night before. The first woman, a brunette, is strapped in the electric chair and asked if she has any last words.
She says, "I am from Georgia Baptist University, and I believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent."
They throw the switch and nothing happens, so they figure God must not want this woman to die, and they let her go. The second one, a redhead, is strapped in and utters her last words:
"I am from the University of Alabama School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."
They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Obviously, the law is on this woman's side, so they let her go. The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and states:
"Well, I'm an Electrical Engineer from The University of North Dakota, and I'll tell you right now, you're not gonna electrocute anybody if you don't connect those two wires over there."
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
She says, "Why officer?"
"Because your breast is hanging out." he says.
She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!"
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
A girl was visiting her blonde friend who had acquired two new dogs,and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HelOOOooo," answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs!"

Mar 24, 2004 from Liz
HOMELAND SECURITY CHECK
MARK YOUR CALENDARS FOR THIS SATURDAY
AS YOU MAY ALREADY KNOW, IT IS A SIN FOR A TALIBAN MALE TO SEE ANY WOMAN OTHER THAN HIS WIFE NAKED, AND THAT HE MUST COMMIT SUICIDE IF HE DOES.
SO THIS SATURDAY AT 4 P.M. EASTERN TIME ALL AMERICAN WOMEN ARE ASKED TO WALK OUT OF THEIR HOUSE COMPLETELY NAKED TO HELP WEED OUT ANY NEIGHBORHOOD TERRORISTS.
CIRCLING YOUR BLOCK FOR ONE HOUR IS RECOMMENDED FOR THIS ANTI-TERRORIST EFFORT.
ALL MEN ARE TO POSITION THEMSELVES IN LAWN CHAIRS IN FRONT OF THEIR HOUSE TO PROVE THEY ARE NOT TALIBAN, AND TO DEMONSTRATE THAT THEY THINK ITS OKAY TO SEE NUDE WOMEN OTHER THAN THEIR WIFE AND TO SHOW SUPPORT FOR ALL AMERICAN WOMEN.
AND SINCE THE TALIBAN ALSO DOES NOT APPROVE OF ALCOHOL, A COLD 6-PACK AT YOUR SIDE IS FURTHER PROOF OF YOUR ANTI-TALIBAN SENTIMENT.
THE AMERICAN GOVERNMENT APPRECIATES YOUR EFFORTS TO ROOT OUT TERRORISTS AND APPLAUDS YOUR PARTICIPATION IN THIS ANTI-TERRORIST ACTIVITY.
GOD BLESS AMERICA.
IT IS YOUR PATRIOTIC DUTY TO PASS THIS ON.

Mar 24, 2004 from Liz
DEAD DUCK
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgery. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your Duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.
"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!", she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan it's now $150.00...."

Mar 23, 2004 from Elsa
TEXANS
A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"
"Texas, sir," the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave Texas?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but loose women and football players down there."
"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Texas."
"No shit??" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"

Mar 17, 2004 from Liz S
Prez Hillary
Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending her first night in the White House. The ghost of George Washington appears, and Hillary says,"How can I best serve my country?"
Washington says, "Never tell a lie."
"Ouch," says Hillary. "I don't know about that."
The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears...Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Jefferson says, "Listen to the people,"
"Ho! I really don't want to do that."
On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears. Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Lincoln says, "Go to the theater."

Mar 17, 2004 from Liz S
In the news....
Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was asalted.
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."
Two cows standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!"
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies,"Yes, I'm positive..."
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mom or my dad, or maybe my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha Chu. But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him $50 that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high"
I went to a seafood disco rave last week.... and pulled a mussel.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
Mar 16, 2004 from Liz S
Thought for the day

Never hold your farts in.....
they travel up your spine, into your brain,
and that's how you get shitty ideas .
Mar 16, 2004 from Liz S
New Element Discovered
A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest chemical element yet known to science. The new element has been tentatively named "Governmentium". Governmentium is composed of 3 classes of neutral particles: governons, ondadolons, and peons. When a majority of peons are of a type called moron, every so often all peons emit dollaron particles, which are briefly absorbed by governons, turning into taxmons. Taxmons decay back into governons and dollarons. The dollarons are then absorbed by the ondadolans, but the time the ondadolans possess dollarons is immeasurably small, and it is unknown what happens to the dollarons. After the flood of dollaron particles, some of the peons of type moron become governons which are also called isodopes. When the ! number of governons reaches a critical level where the peons can't produce sufficient dollarons to bind the element together, the element disappears.
Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally take less than a second.
The characteristic of morons becoming isodopes has lead some scientists to speculate that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass." You will know it when you see it.
Mar 15, 2004 from Rox
WOMEN'S ASS SIZE STUDY
There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their ass.. I thought the results were pretty interesting.
85% of women think their ass is too big...
10% of women think their ass is too little...
The other 5% say that they don't care - they love him and would have married him anyway...
Mar 12, 2004 from Liz S
She was Sooooooo Blonde....
She thought a quarterback was a refund.
She thought General Motors was in the army.
She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
At the bottom of an application where it says "Sign here:" she Wrote "Sagittarius."
She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."
She tripped over a cordless phone.
She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "Concentrate."
She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
She studied for a blood test.
She sold the car for gas money.
When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.
When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left," She turned around and went home.
When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."
She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company
Mar 12, 2004 from Liz S
Aesops Fables?
OLD VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.
MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself!
MODERN VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and lay ng up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.
CBS, NBC, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.
America is stunned by the sharp contrast.
How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?
Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing "It's Not Easy Being Green."
Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing "We shall overcome". Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake.
Tom Daschle, John Kerry & Diane Feinstein exclaim in an interview with Peter Jennings that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share".
Finally, the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act", retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.
Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill appointed from a list of single-parent welfare recipients.
The ant loses the case.
The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it.
The ant has disappeared in the snow.
The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.
Moral to the story?
Mar 12, 2004 from Liz S
Tongue Twister
A man with a black eye, boards a plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down. He immediately notices that the man next to him also has a black eye and says, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?"
The other guy replies, "It was a tongue twister accident. I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most beautiful large breasts was there. So, instead of saying, 'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh,' I accidentally said, 'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh.'...and she socked me a good one.
The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister, too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife, "Please pour me a cup of coffee honey.' But I accidentally said, 'You ruined my life you evil, self-centered, fat-assed, bitch!'

Mar 9, 2004 from Liz S
Hell to Pay
woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates.
She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her, "Hello, How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?" the woman asked.
"Love."
The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.
While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion And, my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer. How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word ?" her husband asked.
"Czechoslovakia."
Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry .. there'll be Hell to pay later.

Mar 8, 2004 from Liz S
The whole truth and nothing but the truth
During a trial, in a small Missouri town, the local prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand. She was sworn in, and asked if she would tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, with her hand on the Bible, so help her God.
The witness was a proper, well-dressed, elderly lady. A grandmother type, well spoken, and poised.
The prosecuting attorney approached the woman and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'"
She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people, and talk badly about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot, when you haven't the sense to realize! that you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper-pushing shyster. Yes, I know you quite well."
The lawyer was stunned. He couldn't even think for a few moments. Then he slowly backed away, fearing the looks on the judge and the jurors' faces, not to mention the court reporter, who documented every word.
Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr.Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a bad drinking problem. The man can't build or keep a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. I might also mention, he has cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost fainted, and was seen slipping downward in his chair, looking at the floor.
Laughter, mixed with gasps, thundered throughout the courtroom, and the audience was on the verge of chaos.
At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence. Then he called both counselors to the bench, and in a very quiet voice said, "If either of you morons asks her if she knows me, you're going to jail."

Mar 5, 2004 from Liz S
Understanding engineers
Understanding Engineers - Take One
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly,"Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
Understanding Engineers - Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Understanding Engineers - Take Three
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"
The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."
"Hi, George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters who lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
Understanding Engineers - Take Four
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine.
Finally, at the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and said, "This is where your problem is."
The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark $1; Knowing where to put it $49,999.
It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.
Understanding Engineers - Take Five
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons. Civil Engineers build targets.
Understanding Engineers - Take Six
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
Understanding Engineers - Take Seven
"Normal people ... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet."
Understanding Engineers - Take Eight
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?" they asked.
Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."
Understanding Engineers - Take Nine
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a weekend do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

Mar 5, 2004 from Liz S
SELECTED EJOKES
TRICKY QUESTION
Eric is sitting at the bar staring morosely into his beer. Tom asks Eric what the problem is.
"Well," said Eric, "I ran afoul of one of those women's questions women ask. Now I'm in trouble at home."
"What kind of question?" asked Tom.
"My wife asked if I'd still love her when she was old, fat and ugly."
"That's easy," said Tom. "You just say 'Of course I will.'"
"Yeah," said Eric, "Right, except I said 'Of course I do.'"
NEW HINGE
Bubba was fixing a door and he discovered it needed a new hinge, so he sent Mary Louise to the hardware store. At the hardware store, Mary Louise saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Joe Bob to finish waiting on a customer. When Joe Bob was finished, Mary Louise asked how much for the teapot? Joe Bob replied, "That's silver and it costs $100!!"
"My goodness," said Mary Louise, "that sure is a lot of money!" She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Bubba had sent her to buy, and Jo Bob went to the back room to find one.
From the back room, Joe Bob yelled, "Mary Louise, you wanna screw for that hinge?" Mary Louise replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."
WAR WOUNDS
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp. "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender. "Jamie O'Connor and me had a fight," says Paddy. " He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand," says Sean. "That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible licking he gave me with it." "Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?" "That I did," said Paddy, "Mrs. O'Connor's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

Mar 3, 2004 from Rox
Another P&G product to be proud of
Dear Tide,
I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have. I've used it since the beginning of my married life when my Mom told me it was the best.
Now that I am older and going through menopause, I find it even better.
In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My unfeeling and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was and generally started becoming a pain in the ass.
One thing led to another and I ended up with a lot of blood on my white blouse. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out. After a quick trip to the supermarket, I got a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!
In fact, the stains came out ! so well, that some detectives who came by yesterday, told me that the DNA tests were negative, and my attorney said that I would no longer be considered a suspect.
Thank you, once again, for having such a great product.
Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty Bag people.
Sincerely,
A Menopausal Wife

Mar 3, 2004 from Steve R
Sofa King

Feb 27, 2004 from Liz S
Severe Winter Storm Damage in San Diego
Careful, watch out! Here is a photo of the damage from a terrible storm that passed through San Diego early this morning. Most people stayed home and we understand that most schools have been cancelled. It really makes you cherish our usual balmy climate, and reminds us not to take life for granted.
Warning: Following picture is quite graphic

Feb 26, 2004 from Liz S
Things you would never know without the movies
During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
Wearing a vest or stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to bullets.
If you find yourself caught up in a misunderstanding that could be cleared up quickly with a simple explanation, for goodness sake, keep your mouth shut.
Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
A cough is usually the sign of a terminal illness.
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
When confronted by an evil international terrorist, sarcasm and wisecracks are your best weapons.
One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them than 20 men firing at 1 man.
Creepy music coming from a cemetery should always be investigated more closely.
If being fired at by Germans, hide in a river - or even a bath. German bullets are unable to penetrate water.
Free-lance helicopter pilots are always eager to accept bookings from international terrorist organizations - even though the job will require them to shoot total strangers and will end in their own certain death as the helicopter explodes in a ball of flames.
Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper clippings - especially if any of their family or friends have died in a strange boating accident.
All computer disks will work in all computers, regardless of software.
Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage, despite laying entire cities to waste by their actions.
You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
When driving a car it is normal to look not at the road but at the person sitting beside you or in the back seat for the entire journey.
An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.
Having a job of any kind will make a father forget his son's eighth birthday.
Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.
If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert in nuclear fission at age 23.
The more a man and a woman hate each other, the more likely they will fall in love.

Feb 24, 2004 from Liz S
King of the Jungle?
A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost.
So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dachshund thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now!"
Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly,
"Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the leopard halts his ! attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over! him, and he slinks away into the trees.
"Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me."
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard.
So, off he goes. But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great Speed, and figured that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."
Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?"
But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet... and just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says, "Where's that monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."

Feb 24, 2004 from Liz S
Sorry, guys!
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.
Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces.
"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.
A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."
SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE MEN YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT.

Feb 17, 2004 from Liz S
WORDISMS
The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding,subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners.

Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding a stupid person that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously wh! en you are running late.
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
And the pick of the literature: Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

Feb 15, 2004 from Liz S
THOUGHTS FOR THE DAY

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
There are two theories on how to argue with a woman. Neither one works.

Feb 11, 2004 from Liz S
Think You're Having a Bad Day?
In one hospital's Intensive Care Ward, patients always died in the same bed on Sunday morning at about 11:00am, regardless of their medical condition.
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred at about 11:00am on Sundays. So a world-wide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.
The next Sunday morning a few minutes before 11:00am, all doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off evil spirits.
Just when the clock struck 11:00am, Pookie Johnson, part time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so that he could use the vacuum cleaner.

Feb 6, 2004 from Liz S
A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi! I hate drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The clerk behind the welfare desk says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year."
The guy says, "You're bullshitting me!"
The welfare clerk says, "Yeah, well, you started it."

Jan 30, 2004 from Liz S
Celebrity Quotes
When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car." --Author Unknown
Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children" --Author Unknown
"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." --Drew Carey
"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'" --Richard Jeni
"Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same." --Oscar Wilde
"Suppose you were an idiot ... And suppose you were a member of Congress.. But I repeat myself." --Mark Twain
"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan." --A. Whitney Brown
"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." --Roseanne
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." --Billy Crystal
Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because " Mad Cow Disease" was taken. --Unknown, presumed deceased

Jan 26, 2004 from Liz S
Top Country Songs of 2003
15. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
14. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
13. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
12. I Liked You Better Before I Got to Know You So Well
11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
10. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
9. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight
8. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here
7. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To I'd Be Out Of Prison By Now
6. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him
5. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
4. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
3. Her Teeth Was Stained But Her Heart Was Pure
2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer
And, the Number 1 Favorite Country Song of 2003 Is:
1. I Haven't Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women, but I've Sure As Hell Woke Up With A Few

Jan 4, 2004 from Nica
Male / Female dictionary
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female......Any part under a car's hood.
Male......The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female......Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male......Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female......The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male.......Leaving a note before taking off for a weekend with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment)
Female.......A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male.......Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.v.
Female......A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male......Anything that can be done while drinking, and ends with sex.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female......An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male...... Source of entertainment, self-statement, and male bonding.
7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female......The greatest statement of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.......Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.......A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male........A device for scanning through all 175 channels every 5 minutes.

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