Email Jokes 2005

Some Email Jokes Jef got in 2005

May 20, from Liz
HELP DESK
Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one...
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Helpdesk: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note ..."
Customer: No ... wait a minute.. I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... Sorry...
Helpdesk:! Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Helpdesk: Would you click on start for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates damn it!
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says it can't find it... ******
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Helpdesk: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah..................Thank you.
Helpdesk: What's on your monitor now ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Helpdesk: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: Okay.
Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes.
Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work!
Helpdesk: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, and the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
A customer couldn't get on the Internet:
Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
Helpdesk: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Helpdesk: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has put a screensaver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears!
Helpdesk: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?

May 17, from Liz
Why men are confused...
A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth. He tries this a few more times with no success.
All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yells to her husband as he's holding the kite and looking dejected, "You need a piece of tail."
The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."

May 10, from Liz
Peaches
An Old farmer was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked on the door and a very pretty young lady dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door.
He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked; "would you like to buy some peaches?"
She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked; "are they as firm as this?"
He nodded his head and said, "yes" and a little tear ran from his eye.
Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking; "are they nice and pink like this?"
The farmer said "yes" and another tear came from the other eye.
Then lady then opened the bottom of her negligee and asked, "are they as fuzzy as this?"
He again said "yes" and broke down crying.
The lady said "what in the world is wrong with you?"
Drying his eyes he replied; "the drought got my corn, the flood got my cotton, and now I'm gonna get screwed out of my peaches."

May 10, from Liz
Blonde Logic
A blonde was trying to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had almost 230,000 miles on it.
One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."
"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I can only sell the car."
"Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will 'fix it'. Then you shouldn't have a problem anymore trying to sell your car."
The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?"
"No," replied the blonde, "Why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!"

May 5, from Tom F.
Gold Urinal
Before George Bush's 2001 inauguration, he was invited to a get acquainted tour of the White House. After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom.When he entered Clinton's private toilet, he was astonished to see that President Clinton had a solid gold urinal.
That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. "Just think," he said, "when I am president, I could have a gold urinal, too. But I wouldn't do something that self-indulging."
Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been at his discovery of the fact that, in the President's private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.
That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary smiled, and said to Bill, "I found out who pissed in your saxophone."

May 4, from Harold
4 Cats
Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.
The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, and the fourth man was a Government Employee.
To show off, the Engineer called his cat, "T-square, do your stuff."
T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff."
Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies. .Everyone agreed that was good.
But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff."
Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass. Everyone agreed that was pretty good.
Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?"
The Government Employee called his cat and said, "CoffeeBreak, do your stuff."
CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet,..... ate the cookies,.... drank the milk,.... shit on the paper,.... screwed the other three cats,.... claimed he injured his back while doing so,.... filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions,.... put in for Workers Compensation,.... and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave...

Apr 29, 2005 from Dyer
SAYINGS
"Meetings: None of Us Is as Dumb as All of Us"
"When you earnestly believe you can compensate for lack of skill by doubling your efforts, there's no end to what you can't do."
"It Could be that the purpose of your life is only to serve as a warning to others."

Apr 28, 2005 from Liz
It's a dogs life!!
Three Labrador retrievers - one brown, one yellow and one black were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's surgery when they struck up a conversation.
The black lab turned to the brown and said, "So why are you here?"
The brown lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."
The black lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?"
"Gonna castrate me," came the reply from the brown lab. They reckon it'll calm me down."
The black lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, "Why are you here?"
The yellow lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch."
So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired.
"Looks like I'm going to be castrated too." the dejected yellow lab said.
The yellow lab then turned to the black lab and asked, "Why are you here?"
"I'm a humper," the black lab said. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, postboxes, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away".
The yellow and brown labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, castrating for you too, huh?"
The black lab said, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped ... "

Apr 28, 2005 from Liz
SIGN POSTED AT A GOLF CLUB IN SCOTTSDALE, ARIZONA
BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.
FORM A LOOSE GRIP.
KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN.
AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.
STAY OUT OF THE WATER.
TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.
IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, PLEASE LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.
DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING TO GO.
DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.
WELL DONE - NOW FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF

Apr 28, 2005 from Liz
INSIGHTS
Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."
The difference between the Pope and your boss .. the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
My mind works like lightning! One brilliant flash and it is gone.
The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.
It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling too.
A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."
My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."
Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.

Apr 20, 2005 from Liz
Blondes in Review
Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.
Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.
Can't work in a pharmacy because the bottles won't fit into the typewriter.
Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said "2 to 4 years"
Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.
Couldn't call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button.
When asked what the capitol of California was; answered "C"
Burnt her nose bobbing for french fries.
Baked a turkey for several days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125.
Can't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets.
Hates M&M's because they are so hard to peel.
Got hurt while raking leaves; fell out of the tree.
Changes the baby's diaper only once a month because the label said "good up to 20 pounds".
What goes "vroom-screech-vroom-screech', etc? - - A blonde at a flashing red light.
Two blondes are trying to get into their car using a coat hanger when one says, "Hurry, it's starting to rain and the top is down."

Apr 20, 2005 from Liz
Same thing
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!

Apr 19, 2005 from Liz
Short stories
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."
Three friends from the local congregation were asked "When you're In your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?? Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man." Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives." Don said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord "God, what does a million years mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A minute." Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A penny." Smith asks," Can I have a penny?" The Lord replies, "In a minute".
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last request, dear," he said. "Of course, John, " his wife said softly. "Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob." "But I thought you hated Bob," she said. With his last breath John said, "I do!
A man picks up a young woman in a bar and convinces her to come back to his hotel. When they are relaxing afterwards, he asks, "Am I the first man you ever made love to?" She looks at him thoughtfully for a second before replying. "You might be," she says. "Your face looks familiar.?
A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it." The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?" The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me." The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?" The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?" The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know." A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?" The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison!

Apr 19, 2005 from Liz
50th Anniversary
A man and his wife were about to celebrate 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful and wealthy, agreed to a Sunday dinner in honor of their parents. As usual, they were all late and had a varied assortment of excuses.
"Happy anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one... "Sorry I'm running late...had an emergency, you know how it is, didn't have time to get you both a present."
"Not to worry," said the Dad... "The important thing is that we're all together today."
Soon number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom still look great,Dad. Just flew in from L.A. and didn't have time to get you a present...sorry."
"It's nothing," said the father, glad you were able to be here."
Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello you both, happy anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing.... so I didn't have time to get you guys anything."
Again the father said, "I really don't care, at least the five of us are together today."
During dinner, the father put down his knife and fork, looked up and said, "Listen you three, there's something your mother and I wanted to tell you for a long time. Well... your mother and I came to this country penniless and desperate. Despite this, we were able to raise each of you and send you to college. We always knew we loved each other but... never got around to getting married."
The three kids gasped and said, "You mean we're BASTARDS?"
"Yep," said the Dad...."AND CHEAP ONES TOO."

Apr 8, 2005 from Tom and Terry
10 Mil
Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him for ten million bucks. This bookkeeper is deaf. It was considered an occupational benefit, and why he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything he'd ever have to testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to shakedown the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million dollar is hidden.
The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it, and says: "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"
The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"
The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"
The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

Apr 8, 2005 from Tom and Terry
DON'T MESS WITH GRANDMA
This is a "true" story, from the Orange County Sheriff's office.
An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"
The four men didn't wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran like mad.
The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why.
A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing.
He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed.

Apr 1, 2005 from Harold
YOU OKAY?
A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.
The lawyer asked, "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'"
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"
Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie".
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene.
He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her.
After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?"
"Now what the hell would you say?"

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