Some Email Jokes Jef got in 1998

July 30, 1998 from Kim

MALE QUIZ

Note: All "real men" answer "C" to all of these questions. Knowing this, women will have come far in understanding men and enriching their own lives.

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:

   A. Present it to the President of the United States.
   B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
   C. Take it apart.

2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?

   A. Innocence.
   B. Idealism.
   C. Cherry bombs.

3. When is it okay to kiss another male?

   A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
   B. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
   C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only reallysportsman-like way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.

4. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:

   A. A cat.
   B. A dog.
   C. A dog that eats cats.

July 22, 1998 from Kim

THE WORLD'S EASIEST QUIZ

(Answers below Hey! - NO Cheating)

1. How long did the Hundred Years War last?
2. Which country makes Panama hats?
3. From which animal do we get catgut?
4. In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5. What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6. The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7. What was King George VI's first name?
8. What color is a purple finch?
9. Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10. How long did the Thirty Years War last?

ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ

1. 116 years, from 1337 to 1453.
2. Ecuador.
3. From sheep and horses.
4. November. The Russian calendar was 13 days behind ours.
5. Squirrel fur.
6. The Latin name was Insularia Canaria - Island of the Dogs.
7. Albert. When he came to the throne in 1936 he respected the wish of Queen Victoria that no future king should ever be called Albert.
8. Distinctively crimson.
9. New Zealand.
10. Thirty years, of course. From 1618 to 1648.

July 22, 1998 from Kim

PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS

Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

This associate is not so much a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be.

Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

When she opens her mouth, it is only to change whatever foot was previously in there.

This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.

July 21, 1998 from Kim

Consider this...

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.

Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.

Both were shot in the head.

Now this is interesting...

Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.

Both were assassinated by Southerners.

Both were succeeded by Southerners.

Both successors were named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy was born in 1939.

Both assassins were known by their three names.

Both names comprise fifteen letters.

Booth ran from a theater and was caught in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater.

Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

And here's the kicker,

A week before Lincoln was shot he was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot he was in Marilyn Monroe.

July 21, 1998 from Kim

Heiroglyphic Learning Curve

There were a group of archeologists who dug up a line of hieroglyphics that were, from left to right: a dog, a donkey, a shovel, a fish, and a Star of David. After years of study they came up with an explanation.

They believed that this was a very wise group of people. First, thy knew man had to have company, hence the dog. Next, they knew that they needed animals to help with work, so the donkey. The shovel was there because of their advanced knowlege of tools. Next, they knew that they had to eat, and that fish were the best source of food. Finally, they were a religious group and knew man had to have religion.

After the explanation, a man jumped up and said, "You fools, Hebrew reads from right to left! It says 'holy mackerel, dig the ass on that bitch!'"

July 21, 1998 from Kim

Beauty is in the Eye of the Beer Holder

Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink.
-- Lady Astor to Winston Churchill
Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it.
-- Churchill's reply

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
-- Henny Youngman

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
-- Deep Thought, Jack Handy

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
-- Dave Barry

I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.
-- Homer Simpson

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
-- Dave Barry

July 14, 1998 from Kim

Definitions

FIRST THE WOMEN

40-ish.................. 48
Adventurer.............. Has had more partners than you ever will
Athletic................ Flat-chested
Average looking......... Ugly
Beautiful............... Pathological liar
Contagious Smile........ Bring your penicillin
Educated................ College dropout
Emotionally Secure...... Medicated
Feminist................ Fat; ball buster
Free spirit............. Substance user
Friendship first........ Trying to live down reputation as slut
Fun..................... Annoying
Gentle.................. Comatose
Good Listener........... Borderline Autistic
New-Age................. All body hair, all the time
Old-fashioned........... Lights out, missionary position only
Open-minded............. Desperate
Outgoing................ Loud
Passionate.............. Loud
Poet.................... Depressive Schzophrenic
Professional............ Real Witch
Redhead................. Shops the Clairol section
Reubenesque............. Grossly Fat
Romantic................ Looks better by candle light
Voluptuous.............. Very Fat
Weight proportional to height..................Hugely Fat
Wants Soulmate.......... One step away from stalking
Widow................... Nagged first husband to death
Young at heart.......... Toothless crone

THE MALE SIDE OF THE LIST

40-ish.................. 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Athletic................ Sits on the couch and watches ESPN
Average looking......... Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back
Educated................ Will always treat you like an idiot
Free Spirit............. Sleeps with your sister
Friendship first........ As long as friendship involves nudity
Fun..................... Good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking............ Arrogant
Honest.................. Pathological Liar
Huggable................ Overweight, more body hair than a bear
Like to cuddle.......... Insecure, overly dependent
Mature.................. Until you get to know him
Open-minded............. Wants to sleep with your sister but she's
not interested
Physically fit.......... I spend a lot of time in front of mirror
admiring myself
Poet.................... Has written on a bathroom stall
Spiritual............... Once went to church with his grandmother.
on Easter Sunday
Stable.................. Occasional stalker, but never arrested
Thoughtful.............. Says "Please" when demanding a beer

July 13, 1998 from Val

A first grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs. She gave each kid in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest.

As You Shall Make Your Bed So Shall You..... Mess It Up.


Better Be Safe Than......................... Punch A 5th Grader.

A Miss Is As Good As A...................... Mr.

Strike While The............................ Bug Is Close.

It's Always Darkest Before.................. Daylight Savings Time.

Never Under Estimate The Power Of........... Termites.

You Can't Teach An Old Dog New.............. Math.

If You Lie Down With The Dogs, You'll....... Stink In The Morning.

Love All, Trust............................. Me.

The Pen Is Mightier Than The................ Pigs.

An Idle Mind Is............................. The Best Way To Relax.

Where There's Smoke, There's................ Pollution.

A Penny Saved Is............................ Not Much.

Two's Company, Three's...................... The Musketeers.

Don't Put Off Until Tomorrow What........... You Put On To Go To Bed.

Laugh And The Whole World Laughs With You, 
Cry And .................................... You Have To Blow Your Nose.

None Are So Blind As........................ Helen Keller.

Children Should Be Seen And Not............. Spanked Or Grounded.

If At First You Don't Succeed............... Get New Batteries.

When The Blind Leadeth The Blind............ Get Out Of The Way.

Don't Bite The Hand That.................... Looks Dirty.

You Can Lead A Horse To Water But........... How? 

June 11, 1998 from Karyn

Error Inferences, Ah-So

Imagine if instead of cryptic, geeky text strings, your computer produced error messages in Haiku...they would read like these:

A file that big? It might be very useful. But now it is gone.	The Web site you seek cannot be located, but endless others exist	Chaos reigns within. Reflect, repent, and reboot. Order shall return.
ABORTED effort: Close all that you have. You ask far too much.	First snow, then silence. This thousand dollar screen dies so beautifully.	With searching comes loss and the presence of absence: "My Novel" not found.
The Tao that is seen is not the true Tao, until you bring fresh toner.	Windows NT crashed. I am the Blue Screen of Death. No one hears your screams.	Stay the patient course. Of little worth is your ire. The network is down.
A crash reduces your expensive computer to a simple stone.	Yesterday it worked. Today it is not working 'Windows' is like that.	Three things are certain: Death, taxes, and lost data. Guess which has occurred.
You step in the stream, but the water has moved on. This page is not here.	Out of memory. We wish to hold the whole sky, But we never will.	Having been erased, the document you're seeking must now be retyped.
Rather than a beep or a rude error message, these words: "File not found."	Serious error. All shortcuts have disappeared. Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

May 19, 1998 from Midge

Maxims for the Internet age

• Home is where you hang your @
• The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
• A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
• You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
• Too many clicks spoil the browse.
• The geek shall inherit the earth.
• Don't byte off more than you can view.
• Fax is stranger than fiction.
• What boots up must come down.
• There's no place like http://www.home.com
• Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.

May 13, 1998 from Val

THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR DURING SURGERY

• Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
• "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"
• Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!
• Hand me that ... uh ... that uh..... thingie
• "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys.. and this guy's got two of 'em."
• Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.
• FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!

May 6, 1998 from Val

Ways to Get Rid of Telemarketers (And expected hang times)

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you SURE COULD USE SOME MORE MONEY! Ask, "How long can I keep it? Do I have to ever pay it back?" (10 seconds)
2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" start to sniffle and say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, "my sciatica is acting up," "my dog just died," describe your recent surgery... Continue talking about your problems over theit sales pitch. (4 minutes)
3. If the person says he's Joe Doe from the XYZ Company, ask him to spell his name, then ask him to spell the company name, then ask where it is located, how do you spell that... (5 minutes)
4. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, "Judy!!" (Assuming her name is Judy,) "Is this really you? I can't believe it! Judy, how have you BEEN?" This will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the heck she could know you from. (1 minute)
5. Say, "No," over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up. (3 seconds if they know the Federal "3-No's" law, 2 minutes otherwise)
6. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, "I don't have any friends...would you be my friend?" (15 seconds)
7. If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN blood - chicken blood too?" (8 seconds)
8. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh-huh, really, or, "That's fascinating." Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. When they get back to the sales, just tell them you couldn't give your credit card number to someone who's a complete stranger. (6 minutes)
9. Tell them you work for the same company they work for. Example: Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Watertronics." You: "Watertronics!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?" Telemarketer: "Uh, Dallas, Texas." You: "Great, they have a group there too? How's business/the weather?" (2 minutes)
10. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone number you will call them back. If they say they are not allowed to give out their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call them at home. If the person says, "Well, I don't really want to get a call at home," say, "Ya! I know HOW YOU FEEL!" (smiling, of course...) (1 minute)
11. When they ask for a specific person, get choked up, then tell them he/she just died and hang up sobbing. (12 seconds)

April 30, 1998 from Kim

Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't. The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."

Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio? It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.

What happened to the blonde ice hockey team? They drowned in Spring training.

Why do blondes like lightning? They think someone is taking their picture.

Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence? To see what was on the other side.

How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday? Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

A blonde woman competed with a brunette woman and a redheaded woman in the Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition. The brunette came in first, the redhead second. The blonde woman finally reached shore completely exhausted. After being revived with blankets and coffee she remarked, "I don't want to complain, but I think those other two girls used their arms.

April 27, 1998 from Kim

Remember When....

Computer was something on TV
From a science fiction show
A window was something you hated to clean....
And RAM was the cousin of a goat.....

Meg was the name of my girlfriend
And gig was your middle finger upright
Now they all mean different things
And that really mega bytes

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano

Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 1/2' floppy
You hoped nobody found out

Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while

Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode

Cut you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead .....

April 27, 1998 from Kim

If you receive an e-mail with a subject line of "Badtimes," delete it immediately WITHOUT reading it. This is the most dangerous E-mail virus yet.

It demagnetizes the strips on all your credit cards, reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you try to play. It will completely re-write your hard drive, (and your soft drive too) Not only that, it will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer. It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles. It will give your ex-significant other your new phone number.

This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink all your soda and leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company. It will hide your car keys when you are late for work and interfere with your car radio so that you hear only static while stuck in traffic. When executed, "Badtimes" will also give you nightmares about circus midgets. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine.

"Badtimes" will give you Dutch Elm disease and brown patch. If the Badtimes" mail message is opened in a Windows 95 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hairdryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, but it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk. It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.

These are just a few of the signs. Be afraid. Be very, very afraid.

April 16, 1998 from Kim

Oxymorons
Friendly Fire	Act naturally	Found missing	Resident alien
Advanced BASIC	Genuine imitation	Good grief	Same difference
Almost exactly	Sanitary landfill	Alone together	Small crowd
Soft rock	New classic	Sweet sorrow	"Now, then ..."
Synthetic natural gas	Christian Scientists	Passive aggression	Taped live
Clearly misunderstood	Peace force	Extinct Life	Temporary tax increase
Plastic glasses	Terribly pleased	Political science	Tight slacks
Definite maybe	Pretty ugly	Twelve-ounce pound cake	Diet ice cream
Rap music	Working vacation	Exact estimate	Microsoft Works

April 16, 1998 from Kim

in Prison	at Work
you spend most of your time in an 8x10 cell.	you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
you get three meals a day.	you only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.
you get time off for good behavior.	you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.	you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
you can watch TV and play games.	you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
you get your own toilet.	you have to share.
they allow your family and friends to visit.	you cannot even speak to your family and friends.
all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.	you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.	you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.
there are wardens who are often sadistic.	they are called managers.

March 31, 1998 from Kim

How to read a job description:

1. COMPETITIVE SALARY: We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
2. JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY: We have no time to train you.
3. CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE: We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.
4. MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED: You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
5. SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED: Some time each night and some time each weekend.
6. DUTIES WILL VARY: Anyone in the office can boss you around.
7. MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL: We have no quality control.
8. CAREER-MINDED: Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
9. APPLY IN PERSON: If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.
10. NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE: We've filled the job; our call for resume is just a legal formality.
11. SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE: You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
12. PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST: You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
13. REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS: You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
14. GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS: Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

How to read a resume:

1. I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION: I've used Microsoft Office.
2. I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE: I pilfer office supplies.
3. MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES: I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.
4. I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK: I blame others for my mistakes.
5. I'M PERSONABLE: I give lots of unsolicited personal advice.
6. I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL: I carry a Day-Timer.
7. I AM ADAPTABLE: I've changed jobs a lot.
8. I AM ON THE GO: I'm never at my desk.
9. I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED: The minute I find a better job, I'm outta here.

March 17, 1998 from Val

The friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist nearby thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good brothers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of business. They ignored her too.

So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop. Terrified, they did so -- thereby proving that Hugh and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

March 12, 1998 from Maria

Divine Press Release

Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as allegations arose that God had had an affair with a former worshipper. The scandal was begun when a 21 year old woman, known only as Mary, claimed that she had given birth to God's "only son" last week in a barn in the hamlet of Bethlehem.

Sources close to Mary claim that she "had loved God for a long time", that she was constantly talking about her relationship with God, and that she was "thrilled to have had his child." In a press conference this morning, God issued a vehement denial, saying that "No sexual relationship existed", and that "the facts of this story will come out in time, verily".

Independent counsel Kenneth Beelzebub immediately filed a brief with the Justice department to expand his investigation to cover questions of whether any commandments may have been broken, and whether God had illegally funneled laundered money to his illegitimate child through three foreign operatives know only as the "Wise Men". Beelzebub has issued subpoenas to several angels who are rumored to have acted as go-betweens in the affair.

Critics have pointed out that these allegations have little to do with the charges that Beelzebub was originally appointed to investigate, that God had created large-scale flooding in order to cover up evidence of a failed land deal.

In recent months, Beelzebub's investigation has already been expanded to cover questions surrounding the large number of locusts that plagued God's political opponents in the last election, as well as to claims that the destruction of the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah was to divert attention away from a scandal involving whether the giveaway of a parcel of public land in Promised County to a Jewish special interest group was quid pro quo for political contributions.

If these allegations prove to be true, then this could be a huge blow to God's career, much of which has been spent crusading for stricter moral standards and harsher punishments for wrongdoers. Indeed, God recently outlined a "tough-on-crime" plan consisting of a series of 10 "Commandments", which has been introduced in Congress in a bill by Rep. Moses. Critics of the bill have pointed out that it lacks any provisions for the rehabilitation of criminals, and lawyers for the ACLU are planning to fight the "Name in Vain" Commandment as being an unconstitutional restriction on free speech.

March 6, 1998 from Vicki

What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?

Bad Golfer: "Whack!" "Shit!!"

Bad Skydiver: "Shit!!" "Whack!!"

Yet another Clinton joke:

Bill Clinton is visiting little Johnny's school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers "If my best friend who lives next door was playing in the street when a car came along and killed him, that would be a tragedy."

"No," Clinton says, "That would be an ACCIDENT."

A girl raises her hand, "If a schoolbus carrying fifty children drop off a cliff, killing everyone involved... that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explains Clinton. "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS."

The room is silent; none of the other children volunteer. "What?" asksClinton, "Isn't there anyone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally little Johnny raises his hand. He says: "If an airplane carrying Bill & Hillary Clinton were blown up by a bomb, that would be a tragedy."

"Wonderful!" Clinton beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says little Johnny, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss."

March 5, 1998 from Kim

A Programmer and a Lawyer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The Programmer leans over to the Lawyer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Lawyer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The Programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and a lotta fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5."

Again, the Lawyer politely declines and tries to get to sleep. The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $50!"

This catches the Lawyer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game. The Programmer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The Lawyer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the Programmer.

Now, it's the Lawyer's turn. He asks the Programmer "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?"

The Programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers -- all to no avail. After about an hour, he wakes the Lawyer and hands him $50. The Lawyer politely takes the $50 and turns away to try to get back to sleep. The Programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the Lawyer and asks "Well, so what's the answer?"

Without a word, the Lawyer reaches into his wallet, hands the Programmer another $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.

February 12, 1998 from Julie

We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where :) means a smile and :( is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by :-) and :-( respectively. Well, how about some "ass cons"? Here goes:

(_!_) a regular ass

(__!__) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_*_) a sore ass

(_x_) kiss my ass

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_o^^o_) a wise ass

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass

(_?_) Dumb Ass

February 26, 1998 from Kim

Computer Viruses that we could see in 1998

• Lorena Bobbit Virus: Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy
• Woody Allen Virus: Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card
• Tonya Harding Virus: Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons
• Paul Revere Virus: Warns of an impending virus infection: 1 if by LAN, 2 if by C:\
• Hillary Rodham Clinton Virus: Instantly turns 1K of disk space into 1 Meg
• Ronald Reagan Virus: Saves your data, but forgets where it's stored
• Jane Fonda Virus: Attacks your hard drive's FAT
• Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB
• AT&T Virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
• MCI Virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus
• Politically Correct Virus: Never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."
• Ross Perot Virus: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole darn thing quits
• Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back
• Government Economist Virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine
• Federal Bureaucrat Virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer
• Adam and Eve Virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple computer
• Congressional Virus #1: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem
• Congressional Virus #2: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything
• Airline Virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore
• Freudian Virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard. Or becomes very jealous of the size of your friend's hard drive
• PBS Virus: Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money
• Jimmy Hoffa Virus: Your programs can never be found again
• LAPD Virus: It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self-defense."
• O.J. Virus: It claims that it did not, could not and would not delete two of your files and vows to find the virus that did it.

February 11, 1998 from Kim

Barry Switzer, clearly upset about the Dallas Cowboy's losing record, decides to find out from Mike Holmgren what his secret is. So, Switzer travels up to a Packer practice and asks Holmgren, "Coach, how is it that your team is so good? What's your secret?".

Holmgren responds by calling Brett Favre over. "Brett, who's your father's brother's nephew?"

Favre answers, "Why coach, that's easy. It's me."

Holmgren turns to Switzer and says, "That's the secret, Barry. A smart quarterback. You've got to have a smart quarterback."

Thinking he's finally got all the tools he needs, Switzer returns to Texas and the Cowboy work-out. He promptly calls over Troy Aikman. "Aikman! Who's your father's brother's nephew?"

Troy looks perplexed, thinks a minute and says, "Coach, can I get back to you after practice on that one?"

Switzer (disgusted) says, "OK."

During practice, Aikman calls over Deion Sanders. "Deion, coach just asked me the weirdest question. Who's your father's brother's nephew?"

Sanders: "Duh! That's easy. It's me!"

After practice, Aikman catches up with Switzer: "Coach, I think I've got it. My father's brother's nephew is Deion Sanders.

"Switzer (angry): "No, No, NO! You idiot!! It's Brett Favre!!!"

February 11, 1998 from Kim

"Brussels police department, how may I assist you?"
"Uh.. yes.. I just got hit in the face with a cream pie."
"Okay, sir. Have you called the Brussels police department before?"
"No"
"Well, let me get a little information about you for our records. Your name?"
"Bill Gates"
"Country?"
"The USA"
"Native language?"
"English"
"Okay, sir. Your police department ID number is BP31415927. Please use this number the next time you call. Now, you say you were hit in the face with a pie?"
"Yes, I was just about to meet with the Belgian Prime Minister. One person distracted me while another hit me with a cream pie."
"We've had other customers report that they were hit in the face with a custard pie. Are you sure it was a cream pie?"
"Well, I have white stuff all over my face and I don't see any custard, so I really don't think it was a custard pie."
"Have you visited the Prime Minister before?"
"Yes"
"Were you hit in the face with a pie then?"
"No"
"Hmm... have you visited any other Prime Ministers in the past month?"
"Yes"
"Any pies then?"
"No"
"Okay, well.. let's try something. Go outside the building and come in again. I'll wait."
"Just a minute.." several minutes pass "Okay, I'm back."
"Did you get hit by another pie?"
"Of course not"
"Well sir, I don't know what could have caused the first pie, but it looks like things are working fine now. I'll make a note of the problem, though. If it happens again, please note the exact details of the situation and call us again. Thank you for calling the Brussels Police Department. click"

February 9, 1998 from Kim

Terminology:

State-of-the-art: Any computer you can't afford
Obsolete: Any computer you own
Microsecond: The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete
Syntax Error: Walking into a computer store and saying "Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object"
Hard Drive: The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, especially after a syntax Error
Keyboard: The standard way to generate computer errors
Mouse: An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate

February 6, 1998 from Eric

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period" reported Johnnie. "Well I can see that" she said. "but what is so exciting about a period."

"Damned if I know" said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."

February 3, 1998 from Kim

I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I've been having some problems lately. I've been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the GirlFriend releases I've tried have always conflicted with it.

I hear that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if GirlFriend is run in background mode and the sound is turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and it works okay.

GirlFriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility.

I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have enough cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly. He was right--as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself.

Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus anyway. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while.

I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system. I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of GirlFriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions.

The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some obscure language I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I've never liked how GirlFriend is totally "object-oriented."

A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did, but soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a huge resource hog. It has taken up all his space, so he can't load anything else. One of the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it came bundled with FreeSexPlus.

Well, it turns out the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw 1.0 which has an automatic pop-up feature he can't turn-off.

I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway because of insufficient resources.

I suppose the moral of the story is: know your system's hardware, it's software requirements and compatibilities and be real careful about what software you install and when and how you upgrade.

February 2, 1998 from Dyer

I am Starr. Starr I are.
I'm a brilliant barri-star.
I'm here to ask, as you'll soon see,
Did you grope Miss Lew-in-sky?
Did you grope her in your house?
Did you grope beneath her blouse?
Did she give you gifts and ties?
Were you spied by prying eyes?

I did not do that here or there!
I did not do that anywhere!
I did not do that in a chair!
I went not near her giant hair!
I did not join-even for fun,
The Mile High Club in Air Force One,
So stow your feathers and your tar,
I did not do her Starr you are!

Did you smile?
Did you Flirt?
Did you peek beneath her skirt?
And did you tell the girl to lie,
When called upon to testify?

That is it; you've gone too far!
I do not like you Starr you are!
I will not answer any more!
In fact, I think I'll start a war!
The public's easy to distract,
When bombs are falling on Iraq!

January 29, 1998 from Kim

;-) Toddler Property Laws

1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my hand, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it looks just like mine, it's mine.
8. If I think it's mine, it's mine.
9. If it's yours and I steal it, it's mine.
10. If I ... Whoops! Sorry! I goofed! Instead of reading the Toddler Property Laws, I've been reading Microsoft's Business Plan.

January 29, 1998 from Kim

Cool Signs from UK

Sign in a Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES:PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

Sign in a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

Outside a farm: HORSE MANURE 50p PER PRE-PACKED BAG 20p DO-IT-YOURSELF

In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

On a church door: THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR. (THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT. PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.)

Outside a photographer's studio: OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO

Seen at the side of a Sussex road: SLOW CATTLE CROSSING. NO OVERTAKING FOR THE NEXT 100 YRS.

Outside a disco: SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN. EVERYONE WELCOME

Sign warning of quicksand:QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED. BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL.

Notice sent to residents of a Wiltshire parish: DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LETTER LOUTS AND VANDALS, WE MUST ASK ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER

Notice in a dry cleaner's window: ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF.

Sign on motorway garage: PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS. YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS

Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR

Notice in a field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES

Sign on a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

Sign at Norfolk farm gate: BEWARE! I SHOOT EVERY TENTH TRESPASSER AND THE NINTH ONE HAS JUST LEFT

Spotted in a toilet in a London office block: TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

January 27, 1998 from Val

How to Write Good

I have learnt me several rules for good writing:

1. Avoid alliteration. Always.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)
4. Employ the vernacular.
5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
7. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
8. Contractions aren't necessary.
9. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
10. One should never generalize.
11. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson one said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
12. Comparisons are as bad as cliches
13. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
14. Profanity sucks.
15. Be more or less specific.
16. Understatement is always best.
17. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
18. One-word sentences? Eliminate!
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20. the passive voice is to be avoided.
21. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
22. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
23. Who needs rhetorical questions?
24. Be careful to use apostrophe's correctly.
25. Do not use them pronouns as modifiers.
26. Do not overuse exclamation points!!!
27. And never start a sentence with a conjunction.

January 16, 1998 from Kim

• Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
• Eagles soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
• I'm not cheap; I'm on special this week.
• I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left before we met.
• I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.
• If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough.
• Quantum mechanics: the dreams stuff is made of.
• Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
• What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
• Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
• Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
• Wear short sleaves! Support you right to bare arms!
• Corduroy pillows make headlines.
• Black holes are where God divided by zero.
• All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

Corporate Knowledge

• Indecision is the key to flexibility.
• Nostalgia isn't what is used to be.
• Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
• Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler.
• If you think there is good in everybody, then you haven't met everybody.
• One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
• By the time you make ends meet, they move the ends.
• The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you realize it's a do-it-yourself thing.
• No amount of advance planning wll ever replace dumb luck.
• Anything you do can get you fired; this includes doing nothing.

This list of 1 liners from February 19 (Kim):

• One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
• Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
• Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
• On the other hand, you have different fingers.
• Married people don't live longer than single people. It just seems longer.
• I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Another list of 1 liners from March 23 (Val):

• There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.
• Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants.
• I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
• Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
• Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy.
• People today vacation in places you formerly got to only by being drafted or shipwrecked.
• I have several hobbies I enjoy to the fullest. I have a large sea shell collection I keep scattered on all the beaches all over the world.
• If at first you don't succeed ... well, so much for sky diving.

Another list of 1 liners from April 19:

• If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
• For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
• I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
• Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
• Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
• Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States
• When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
• Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
• When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
• Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
• I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
• What's another word for "thesaurus"?
• When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard. I was an only child... eventually.
• I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything in particular.

January 13, 1998 from Val

• In my day, we couldn't afford shoes, so we went barefoot. In the winter we had to wrap our feet with barbed wire for traction.
• In my day, we didn't have no rocks. We had to go down to the creek and wash our clothes by beating them with our heads.
• In my day, attitudes were different. For example, women didn't like sex. At least that is what they told me.
• When I was your age, we didn't have fake doggie-do. We only had real doggie-do, and no one thought it was a damn bit funny.
• Back in the 1970s we didn't have the space shuttle to get all excited about. We had to settle for men walking on the crummy moon.
• In my day, people could only dream of hitchhiking a ride on a comet.
• In my day, we didn't have hand-held calculators. We had to do addition on our fingers. To subtract, we had to have some fingers amputated.
• In my day, we didn't have water. We had to smash together our own hydrogen and oxygen atoms.
• In my day, we didn't have Strom Thurmond. Oh, wait. Yes we did.

January 12, 1998 from Kim

A golfer and his buddies where playing a big round of golf for $200. At the eighteenth green the golfer had a ten foot putt to win the round, and the $200.

As he was lining up his putt, a funeral procession started to pass by. The golfer set down his putter, took his hat off, placed it over his chest, and began to wait for the funeral procession to pass. After it passed, he picked up his putter and returned to lining up his putt.

One of his buddies said, "That was the most touching things I have ever seen. I can't believe you stopped playing, possibly losing your concentration, to pay your respects."

"Well, we were married for 25 years."

January 9, 1998 from Kim

A consultant is someone who takes your watch away to tell you what time it is.

Jokes Jef got in...
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